well, today happened.

I was thinking today about a lot of things.  Mostly about me just now dealing with all the backlash of the previous year fuck ups and how I have to now clean up somethings that were just not handled well.  It's not that I didn't try, but it's more like: "I did the best I could to get through it."  It all could have been dealt with differently, but I didn't have the mindset to think like that at the time.  I had to just get through some shit and now it's time to clean up.

And also, this blog is like a drug.  I just can't quit writing in it.

When I was in kindergarden I didn't really have many friends. I had one friend, her name was Kelly and we did not play very offen because I apparently did not like playing with others.  While at recess I had this strange habit and I've been thinking about this habit,  because it's something that has never gone away.  Instead of playing with my peers, I would walk around the perimeter of fence on the playground and talk to myself.  I did this until the beginning of the second grade and sometimes I would play football with the boys, but mostly it was me walking around the playground alone. Once I got older, I would wait until I was alone or at home.  But every once in awhile I had to walk by myself and secretly talk to myself.

I've read some old report cards from that point in my childhood and it's all about me needing to socialize more with others and that I had trouble accepting outcomes not to my favor and in general just being anti-social.  I remember some conversations I would have with myself and most of them were directed at my mother or father.  And others were directed towards famous people... I don't just talk to myself, I actually have conversations with real people.  I play out what could happen and all the things I could say in that situation with whatever person I'm having the fake conversation with.  Actually, I could have had a fake conversation with you, and you'd never know it.  I don't really direct my conversations at my parents or famous people anymore, but rather my friends, co-workers, ex's, etc...

It's been a way to cope with stressful things, and also it's a major habit that I haven't ever tried to stop.  I do it all the time, and I don't even notice when I'm doing it.  Last night while walking home from the store I was talking to myself and I passed by someone standing outside there apartment smoking and the person thought I was talking to them.  And without a blink of an eye, I said: "Oh, I was talking to myself."  And I just kept walking and I didn't even think it was that big of a deal.  Then I thought, "wait a second... when did I become the crazy person that talks too themselves on the street." and of course I said that out loud.  I thought about it and many of my nights are now filled with these conversations and sometimes I complete lose track of time and all of a sudden I look at the clock and it's 2am.

What the hell is wrong with me...