whatever

I find it odd

2012-02-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

That facebook is like, hey you might know these people... And Facebook is right, I know OF those people, but only cause we have slept with the same person. It just feels wrong...

Oh well, it's actually a bit funny. As I was checking a status update of mine I decided to check the blog hits and it has stepped back up recently. I have no idea why, but it's cool. Someone in Russia is still reading it on the daily, but I have the feeling they are using it as a way to make fun of me (somehow...)... Them Russians! You so crazy!

Well, this week started out with an email thread that was not enjoyable, but I feel as if I did the right thing. Details are not important...

And I'm able to workout again now that the leg is pretty much healed. It's still a little sore, but it's getting 20 times better. I just need to take it slow and not fucking over do it like last time.

And I've been thinking a lot about the events of a year ago and how much I've changed. I was not sleeping or eating right about this time last year and the ex-wife and I were fighting all the flippin' time. I've thought about how scared I was this last summer, how much stronger I am now. I'm still cleaning up some of the poor decisions of this last year, but if those wouldn't have happened, I don't think I would be as happy as I am right now. At this point, everything is in its right place.

Remember this... Nothing will ever be the same. Everything is always different. And everything has a funny way of working itself out in the end.

today was a good day.

2012-01-31T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be brief with this but it was pretty damn good.

The day started out pretty awesome and I closed it with a work out and then TBTL. I'm gonna eat some food, drink the fancy juice I got, and then bed. I'm super tired...

Yay!

This song is relative

2012-01-30T22:22:00.000-08:00

to my life right now...

Just trust me...

Fuck you...

My dreams scare me

2012-01-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

I have said it before and I will say it again, they bother me. It's one of the reasons for my lack of sleeping this week. This whole not sleeping with the television/radio on is making my dreams just crazy.

I do feel like I slept well though, but that dream was fucked up.

Last night I went to a party for the podcast Grapes of Rad to watch "Lost in Translation" and I had never seen the movie and it wasn't bad. I think you have to be in a similar situation as the main characters to actually get it though. We watched it to see if was actually good or not... There was some bias opinions about the movie, but I was able to relate to the situations.

It reminded me of being married and sober... In AA you meet a lot of people that are pretty emotional and it's very easy for them to get attached to someone with more time than them. Anyways, I made a friend with a week or so of being sober and I told her to call if she had any problems or needed to talk (which is something you do in AA). Well, she called a lot and we talked a lot. I totally had a crush on her... She totally had one on me too. We were able to connect in a way that was a lot different than the ex-wife and I. Plus, the ex-wife was so busy with school I didn't have a lot of time with her and this other girl was always available to hang out. Nothing ever happened, but it was a silent feeling. It just existed underneath the surface. It felt intense.

I feel like I might be in the same situation right now with someone else, but I also could be reading into things. It might just be me hoping that is what this is...

Dream... Kind of cool

2012-01-27T02:00:00.000-08:00

I just woke up from a dream.

It was strange, but kind of cool.

I was having fun with friends, drinking laugh, talking and then all of a sudden I was floating around in this bubble in the middle of space. I could see earth and everything floating further and further away from me. Someone was in a bubble next to me as well (not sure who) and they told me this was it. I somehow refused to believe it and started to pray. I was very loud in my prayers... All of a sudden in my dream I woke up in my childhood bed, purple bedspread and all, with what I thought was my ex-wife. I said Emily, Emily, it was just a dream thank god... Then she spoke and said, my name isn't Emily... Then I realized it wasn't my ex-wife and I woke up.

Weird...

I should shower.

2012-01-25T23:51:00.000-08:00

That was one of the most graphic movies that I have ever seen. Well, there was that one French film that I saw in high school with the glory holes that I've mostly blocked out, but this takes a close second.

If you want to see "Shame" go for it, but bring booze in with you... Trust me, you'll need a shot or two or eight. But it was a very good movie. It is one of those movies were you walk out a little dazed and thinking, that's real life. People really have those problems, people are really fucked up sometimes.

And today Jeffrey Linus Wilner was born. Welcome to the world... You will have one of the best mothers in the world. Congrats Abbie and Rich, I'll see you soon!

Now it's time for some Downton Abby and bed!

Forgot I had a blog...

2012-01-25T00:33:00.000-08:00

So this weekend was EPIC!

It was all about TBTL and the Tens. It started Friday with fellow Ten Hannah and I going down to the airport to pick up Bab's (barbara). I started drinking very early that morning with an eye opener in my coffee and kept it up throughout the day. We went to the 5 point, Barolo (best happy hour ever!), Azteca for some well priced family mexican food, and then to the Gate for karaoke. It was a blast! And it was just the start...

On Saturday we got brunch, and dicked around the city for a bit. It was a lot of fun with the out of town Tens. We just took them to stupid places that had been mentioned on TBTL and they loved it. Christina was also up here along with Alyssa. These 3 ladies were just lovely to get to know, and it feels like I've known them my whole life. Later that night we went the TBTL's 1000th show at the Neptune. And it was just great to be in a room with my people. We all come from different walks of life and ages, jobs, families... you name it, but we all were the same. We had this unspoken bond of love for one another. We all got our stupid jokes and many hammertimes and turbo paved people just loved on each other. The show was awesome and it made me so incredibly happy. Luke bought me my damn drink, Yay! And Jen came up to me after the show and told me that seeing a familiar face in the crowd was a calming thing for her and it was awesome to hear that. Seanie was drunk, and so was I. Oh man, TBTL has been just a great way for me to meet people. And I had like 5 people come up to me saying: "Janie, I love the posts on the ten's page" and me just being floored that these people know me now. It's awesome... or shall I say RAWR!

We got totally Turbo Paved and Saturday night ended with Christina and I singing "Hold on" in the cab ride home. It was a perfect night and one of the best of my life.

Sunday morning I felt the love even more as all of us became friends on facebook and really chatting and putting names to faces to names. We went to trivia that night and our team came in third place, mostly cause Seanie made the last section of questions all about Gameboys (I inspired him to do that with a drunken conversation on Saturday night)... I knew all that answers to that one. Well, I would have been a little unhappy of myself if I didn't. Sean also told me that we have a lot in common, like drumming and video games, which was RAD! TBTL makes Janie happy!

I can't explain how blessed I am. I have made some of the best friends I have ever met, and it's all because on January 7th, 2008 I happened to be listening to 710 KIRO at 7pm and heard: "This is Too Beautiful to live, a radio show that is possibly too beautiful to live. And I thought, what a horrible name, but it's perfect now. It makes sense if you're a Ten, because this is a way of life for us. And I'm proud to say that it is. Fate is weird...

cabin fever

2012-01-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

I totally have cabin fever. And it's a bit lonely... I had a great time last night, but damn... once you get home and you have no one to go home to it's pretty depressing. But this shall pass like it always does. I'm just a bit lonely, I bet later I will feel fine.

Life is confusing and so are other people.

good days...

2012-01-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I got home and people were sledding down my street and my co-worker was out there... I asked him where he lived and he points at the building across the street from mine (totally weird). I wouldn't have known that he lived across the street from me if the power hadn't gone out. He tells me that since the power was out everyone was playing outside. So I of course get really happy, since that means I don't have to actually work like I thought I would, and run inside to see if the powers out. And it was, so... My evening was spent sledding and drinking beer. I made some new friends and I know a couple of more people in the hood now.

We were up really late last night, but it was a lot of fun. I'm really starting to get the hang of this being single thing and I'm loving it. I'm wondering when I'm going actually date again... I kind of really like this freedom and It's been a lot of fun. I don't think someone I could be dating would be down with drunk sledding and then having people over until 2am. But one of these days some pretty lady will strike my fancy and I'll tone it all down. But for now, I'm having fun! And it was hard to walk around the hill today... super icy out.

And naked chef's need to be careful while cooking bacon...

tired and emotional

2012-01-14T02:17:00.000-08:00

I have this habit of staying up too late and listening to music. I like to plug my head phones into whatever device I'm listening to music too and turning it up way to loud. I have two different types of headphones... one is for work, so that no one else can hear it. The other is my big head phones that are great for listening to anything.

Actually, my big headphones remind me of being a kid. My mother had this amazing record collection and she never wanted us (kids) to touch it. I used to wait for everyone to go to sleep and I would go down stairs, put on a record, plug in the head phones and fall asleep to whatever album I picked. I listened mostly to the beatles, but I got a lot of weird shit in too. Like, Chad and Jeremy and alice cooper.... So fucking good.... It's funny cause it's been a very awesome habit to find new music for me. It has been one of the only reasons to not off myself. I know that sounds morbid, but you have to have something that keeps you going.

As a kid... I would hold the huge headphones as close as I could to my ears. I would just get lost in the melody... chorus... bridge... every song has it's gems. Well, at least my favorite songs do... I would hold the headphones as close to my ears as possible. I still do that.... I'm gonna be deaf soon. I would hold them so hard that my hands would cramp. I would always wake up to a skipping record...

When I woke up I would have to put the record away (very carefully) and I would have to run upstairs to my bedroom so mom or dad or whoever would not see me with the records. I think Dad caught me once, but never said anything. Actually, I know he did, and told me to never touch my mother's records again. What is funny, is that I have most of her records now. And I love them... They are my friends and have been since I can remember. But now, I have my own records. And I will tell my children the same thing... And I hope to god that they do the same thing I did. Break the rules, and relish the fact that they have a great memory.

20 minute commute...

2012-01-13T19:54:00.000-08:00

I now have a 20 minute commute no matter the day of the week if I drive. Even with the tolls, it's the same amount with gas... But I don't even drive every day. I need to still drive some days when the leg is bothering me. But it is a lot better now and I've been taking the bus every other day, and I'm now getting on the bus at a different stop, which is a little further away, but a nice little walk.

I'm at Josh's and it makes me super happy that I came over here after work, texted him to tell him I was here, and him to reply with: "cool, I'm on my way home." He doesn't seem to mind that I'm here all the time and neither does his girlfriend Amy. It's nice to just have a place to go and not have to be home alone. Actually, this week all three of my brothers have contacted me on there own to see how I was doing. It's not that I'm depressed or anything, but they just wanted to check in. It's weird, cause it's something they wouldn't have done a year ago, but I feel a lot closer to all of them now and even Jeff and I have become really close (he actually called me to say he was sorry the other night when he pissed me off... He never does that). I'm a lucky sister... I've got two older brothers that are way too over protective and a little brother that thinks the world of me.

Life is good.

girlfriends...

2012-01-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

Collin knocked on my sliding glass window this evening and we went to the roof with another person from our building, Megan, and had a couple of glasses of wine. We were talking about Collin's girl issues, and it makes me think about what I really want from a relationship. And it's so much different than a year ago.

It's easy to talk to someone else about there problems, but it makes you realize that you totally have your own.

I'm super sleepy... Sleep is happening now.

well, today happened.

2012-01-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about a lot of things. Mostly about me just now dealing with all the backlash of the previous year fuck ups and how I have to now clean up somethings that were just not handled well. It's not that I didn't try, but it's more like: "I did the best I could to get through it." It all could have been dealt with differently, but I didn't have the mindset to think like that at the time. I had to just get through some shit and now it's time to clean up.

And also, this blog is like a drug. I just can't quit writing in it.

When I was in kindergarden I didn't really have many friends. I had one friend, her name was Kelly and we did not play very offen because I apparently did not like playing with others. While at recess I had this strange habit and I've been thinking about this habit, because it's something that has never gone away. Instead of playing with my peers, I would walk around the perimeter of fence on the playground and talk to myself. I did this until the beginning of the second grade and sometimes I would play football with the boys, but mostly it was me walking around the playground alone. Once I got older, I would wait until I was alone or at home. But every once in awhile I had to walk by myself and secretly talk to myself.

I've read some old report cards from that point in my childhood and it's all about me needing to socialize more with others and that I had trouble accepting outcomes not to my favor and in general just being anti-social. I remember some conversations I would have with myself and most of them were directed at my mother or father. And others were directed towards famous people... I don't just talk to myself, I actually have conversations with real people. I play out what could happen and all the things I could say in that situation with whatever person I'm having the fake conversation with. Actually, I could have had a fake conversation with you, and you'd never know it. I don't really direct my conversations at my parents or famous people anymore, but rather my friends, co-workers, ex's, etc...

It's been a way to cope with stressful things, and also it's a major habit that I haven't ever tried to stop. I do it all the time, and I don't even notice when I'm doing it. Last night while walking home from the store I was talking to myself and I passed by someone standing outside there apartment smoking and the person thought I was talking to them. And without a blink of an eye, I said: "Oh, I was talking to myself." And I just kept walking and I didn't even think it was that big of a deal. Then I thought, "wait a second... when did I become the crazy person that talks too themselves on the street." and of course I said that out loud. I thought about it and many of my nights are now filled with these conversations and sometimes I complete lose track of time and all of a sudden I look at the clock and it's 2am.

What the hell is wrong with me...

capsized a boat...

2012-01-11T01:25:00.000-08:00

Did I ever tell you of the time that I capsized a sail boat? No, I haven't... Than I shall.

The ex-wife and I took sailing lessons the summer before we broke up and had a blast doing it. We had such a good time we decided to take the advanced class the next quarter and it was late fall. Well, the last class we took it was super windy, and by windy I mean like 20 knots.

Well, we get the sails up and hit the water. We leave the little cove were we where launched the boat and get out into more open waters. That was a fucking bad idea. We needed to tack, and change directions, but it was actually pretty scary to do that in like 30 mile an hour winds. Well, we decide to tack and it works and we decide to go into irons (meaning facing the wind, which means you don't move). We end up catching the wind to get back into the little cove, but it was so windy it was really hard to maintain control. We end up trying to tack again and we get caught by the wind and we start to tip over. I of course hold on too long and I end up capsizing the boat. Not just it being on it's side, but it ended up turtling (meaning it's completely upside down, looking like a turtle). We get picked up by the instructor in a motor boat and we had to start righting the boat. We jump back in the water and get the boat right side up, and pull down the main sail, but we were unable to get the jib down and I had to hold it to keep it from catching wind. We got towed in by the motor boat and it was cold. I went out for one more run in the cove, and I was DONE. I went to the car and turned on the heat and waited for the ex-wife to be done sailing.

She came back an hour and a half later and her lips were blue. She looked cold, and we went home and took a hot shower and got some Pho.

The End. I should get off the phone...

Made a decision

2012-01-10T08:30:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I made a decision to start doing things a bit differently. I know what I've been doing and I feel like a couple of light bulbs have gone off recently.

I have thought a lot the last couple of days and I'm pretty done pretending. I want it to be real this time. I'm not faking it anymore and I'm not putting up with this crap. I'm so scared to really let someone in that it's made me pretend that I don't have too. I don't really care about posting here all that much either. I've only done it for attention anyways.

Morning post...

2012-01-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness... I love Misfits. I think I need to move to Britain because there television is so much better than ours. And I mean that...

I'm thinking that it could be time to start dating again. I've thought that I've been alone long enough now, and if I keep this up I'm really going to end up as a cat lady. It's just that I don't think I've ever really dated. It's mostly just been me sleeping around and then someone strikes my fancy and I end up getting into a serious relationship. And now that I've gone months without sleeping with anyone and getting my shit together, I'm realizing I'm ready to start looking for people to date. And no, I'm getting an online account. If it happens, it happens... If it doesn't, it doesn't. I'm not going to go out of my way to find someone, maybe in a year or so I'd make an online account, but not now. I'm just going put it out there and see what sticks...

I have a busy day... Must get going now.

Interesting, but in a good way.

2012-01-07T00:49:00.000-08:00

Holy shit... I went to the Skylark this evening to see Nick's band and they were pretty good, but the opening act was pretty fucking amazing. I was totally shocked considering it's not the type of music I listen to. Actually, my friend Matt that came with (who has similar taste in music as myself) agreed with me. Her name is Courtney Marie Andrews, and I was floored. At one point, I was standing in the back of the bar and closed my eyes. And every single hair on my body stood on end... That is why music will always be one the most important things in my life. I've been to countless shows, house parties, listened to thousands of records, played 100's of shows, met lots of bands, jammed with random people, but there hasn't been many musicians that have given me the thought to go up to them and pretty much make myself look stupid. But she did... I told her that I thought her voice was totally beautiful and that I normally don't listen to her style, but that she convinced me to buy her album. She seemed pretty happy about that as well... I know I always loved it when someone told me they loved the way I drummed. It's always nice to know when you work so hard at something for someone else to think you did a good job.

Tonight actually made me think of something that my middle school band teacher told me, that I've always loved... "Music is meant to be listened to loud and with your eye's closed." When he told me that, this skinny middle aged man who's main instrument was the flute, I was a bit confused. But it made me realize that we all played music for the same reason. It's about how it makes you feel... Basically, nothing else can make you feel that way at least for me, nothing has ever come close to it yet.

And as I was looking for The Rapture's album Echoes this evening, I realized exactly where it is... It's in the ex-wife's car, yet another thing I don't have. Oh well, I just re-bought it on iTunes, fuck it... I love it too much to only listen to it via spotify.

Goodnight. Sleep tight... don't let the bed bugs bite.

Today started out

2012-01-06T01:06:00.000-08:00

shitty... And ended swimmingly! Literally, I swam for about an hour this evening and it was the first time I was able to work out in about a month and a half. Oh, it felt so good and I was not able to over do it at all!

Then as I was leaving the pool, Hot Greg texted me to go up to the gate... He pretty much yelled at me to get up there, so I did. I kept to my plan of having two beers and going home. Thank goodness I did that...

I'm tried now and I will be sleeping well this evening. I'm so glad for the Tens, I've made some good friends. Life is good, I just have really crappy moments. And I mean really crappy...

I need a new plan...

2012-01-05T09:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm going to swim some laps with Amy. I'm excited to work out a bit, since I haven't been able to for a month and a half now. I'm also making good choices about my life too. Thank god...

Bonnie is moving to New York tomorrow... This was pretty all of a sudden and she doing some course work to get into grad school. She wants me to come out as well. I told her that was a big step and I'd have to have a job before that happens. I told her that I'd at least be visiting in February so that should be good. But she was also stating that she wanted to go to LA or San Fran after that. I told her I would be more likely to have that be a goal for me. I'm not getting anywhere in my job, and there is nothing keeping me here. And I mean nothing...

I can't seem realize that some people don't want anything to really do with me. I know that now, and I'll leave them alone. I'm tired of living in Lala land and I'm tired of people in general. No one really cares about you, they are just glad it's not their life. I know some people do care, don't get me wrong. But it's mostly family.

I can't find the one song I wanted to post, but this is a pretty rad song.

make it worth your energy.

2012-01-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have my fussy hood on today. I kind of just want to be left alone. All alone, by myself. I'm not in the mood to deal with the drama from other people. Are you really worth my time?

"some day you will be loved... and the memories of me will all seem more like bad dreams... Like I never occurred."

I feel as if that is the best fitting quote about me right now. As I was talking with Dani last night I realized something about myself that I had said out loud, but I never really took it to heart before. She is painfully honest with me about issues and it made me think last night about the fight the ex-wife and I had in the early morning of April 14th, 2011. She had found out a couple of days before that I had slept with someone else as well and flipped out on me. Granted, she had every right, since I literally drove to Portland to be with someone (not expecting sex, but I couldn't be in Seattle that one night). The ex was pissed and hurt by all of this, and all I wanted to do was get off the phone with her. I didn't want to talk to her, I was done with the relationship and I knew it. All I could was to keep repeating a quote from a song, that I thought she would get: "I was the one worth leaving." It's true, and I was the one worth leaving. I was never able to fully open up, until the very end of the relationship and by then it was too late. And I also realized that I was very unhappy with the relationship in general. It wasn't equal, and would never be equal. I just wanted the constant company of her. That was the one part I loved, that she was always there. She had this funny way of making me feel loved even if I was being cut down by her or nagged...

But back to the fight, I didn't value her and I thought she would never ever leave me. I took it all for granted and I know that more now, and I understand more of what I meant by: "I was the one worth leaving." Because I was a jerk... And let's be honest, I'm totally unrealistic about life and live in a fantasy world most of the time.

At least I know that...

mute button

2012-01-03T20:54:00.000-08:00

Dani kept hitting the mute button while we were talking on the phone this evening. We haven't talked in forever and her desk is like a 2 seconds away from mine. We decided that we would make the perfect couple, just one problem with that, she's not gay and I'm not a boy. Oh well, shit happens...

I've decided to just go to bed early this evening. I'm just that tired... Well, actually I'm mostly bored and my back hurts like a bitch due to my right ovary feeling like it's going to rip out my back. Oh the joy's of being a woman! And having a heredity gene that makes this happen like every 6 months... It actually reminds me of the time my mother almost died.

It's an early memory, I couldn't have been over the age of 4 since my Dad was still in the house. My mother use to workout all the time. And I mean she would do a shit ton of cardio and lift weights just about everyday. The women on my mothers side of the family are prone to cysts (which is the only thing I really got from my mom). Well, one day she came home from her workout and told me and my father that she was going to take a nap and to wake her up at a certain time. I was told by my dad to go wake her up (I remember that it was for something important for her job) and I go upstairs and find my mother lying on the floor. She was on her side, next to the bed and she was bleeding from a small cut on her forehead (I didn't really notice the blood at the time, but thinking about it, I do now). I thought it was strange that mom would be taking a nap on the floor, that was something I would do, not mom. Then I try to wake her up, and she said this... "I'm ok, just let me stay here" and then I couldn't get any response out of her. I even remember hitting her in the face (cause that's what they did in movies) but nothing, not even movement from her limbs. I ran down stairs and got my dad and he rushed up stairs and tried to get my mom awake and then I remember my dad telling me to dial 911. I don't remember anything after that...

What happened was that my mother had a cyst the size of a baseball on her left ovary and while she was weight lifting that day she ripped it in half, also ripping her ovary open. When she got home she must have been already internally bleeding and when she got upstairs passed out and hit her head on the nightstand. She had been internally bleeding for about 40 minutes before she got to the hospital and if I wouldn't have gone to wake her up or if we would have waited an extra five minutes she most likely would have died.

Well, I have a cyst now... I can feel it... They hurt like a bitch sometimes. That's why I had a fever today... It must be breaking up and it's only going to get worst before it feels better. Yay!

fever...

2012-01-03T11:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling well at all today and I've been pretty worthless at work so far. I'm at break right now, writing my daily break post...

I woke up OK, but on my way to work my face started to feel hot and my body cold. It totally reminded me that last year I got the flu during peak time as well. I was so sick... I was puking all night, it was horrible and I still came into work thinking it wasn't the flu and had to go home early that day. I messed up my peak time, but I was so sick... I couldn't even really move. And I remember having to take care of myself and having to be quite about puking in the middle of the night as to not wake the ex-wife. That really blew...

I'm also finally listening to Death cab's new album. I figured, I've always liked them A LOT (since I was a freshman or so in high school) and I have all the other records except the last two. I used to walk the hall ways in high school listening to music in between classes and Death Cab was a big part of the reason for my drumming style. And now I still listen to music all the time. I always have my headphones on and I'm always listening to something. There was a period of time when I didn't at work, I call those the depressed years, but now it's an everyday thing.

New music is all I look for now... I don't really want anything else, it makes me happier than anything else could ever. Actually, it's better than friends sometimes, cause you can shut it off or avoid it without it noticing.

Here is an old song, but one of my favorites...

Yay!

2012-01-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

I was able to bowl! And I actually bowled well! Sweet!!!

Not too shabby of a day if you ask me, even though I had to work. But it's fine, I've got a good job and it's not like I would have done anything too productive if I didn't work.

I totally want to watch misfits... This is gonna be hard. I'm tired and this will be a short post, since I was up until like 2:30am this morning watching that show. I'm gonna put on something mindless and fall asleep.

I'm always waiting for something to go wrong...

I'm waiting for that sign of relief...

Goodnight.

So this is the new year...

2012-01-01T21:30:00.000-08:00

And I don't feel any different.

I had a really good weekend which started with a not planned Ten party up at the Gate. Which was fucking rad! Last night we went to Ivory and Joe's place to watch the fireworks and it was a good mix of people and everyone was a lot of fun!

Things are so different than this time last year. Around right about now, a year ago, we put Simon down. He died in my arms. He was the best dog ever and I miss him a lot. The vet gave us like two last hours with him. He would still try to lick our faces, and he had no idea that he was about to die. That night we went home and had to stay in a hotel room. We couldn't be in the apartment without him. Everything was so hard to get rid of... We kept some things... And I'm glad I have one of his old tags. I have it hanging up in my apartment. He was such a pretty boy.

That's how I started out my 2011... and nothing seemed to get better. I'm now finally doing better with everything and I'm now getting my life in order. Everything isn't such a mess now and I'm starting to realize that everything happens for a reason. You never understand it, until you're forced to see it.

I'm ready for this now...

and here I rest with disappointment and regret... lying awake at night.

I doubt anyone is going to get the two songs I referred to in this post...

must not contact...

2011-12-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

must stop the need to contact you... MUST STOP IT... Oh, but it's so very hard to not. Well, it isn't that hard it's just something I've got to really commit myself to.

the leg feels a lot better today and I'm thinking all the sleeping I've been doing has really helped. I literally was in bed before ten last night, but to be honest it has taken a lot of energy out of me. And I need to get the food out of my house, cause I'm eating in my sleep again. DAMN IT!

I'm going to have a long blog post this evening about something... I'm debating if I want to put it on the blog, but I think I might need to do it. Or it might be something completely unrelated and not important and you'll realize that I decided to not post about said thing.

highlight of my day

2011-12-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine broke her arm recently and the break is above her elbow. They can't give her a cast because it would be to heavy and the arm would not set right. But today I received a text message from her stating the following:

"So I had to have my arm adjusted today because my boob is too big and bowing it out. Omg. Wtf."

I totally lost my shit, and this totally made my day! The doctors are suggesting that she should use duct tape to move said boob over! Ha! She also informed me that the doctor kept on calling it her "breast" and she kept on correcting him stating that is was her "boob"! Funny as shit to receive that series of text messages today! Don't worry, I asked if I could write about it, so she knows she'll be in blog form!

And I had a fun time on twitter today and I'm starting to just make my hash tags way too long on purpose. It's fun to just try and spell shit correctly. I had a friend favorite one of them based on the fact that my hash tag was basically the entire tweet. HA!

And I love Hall & Oates... Deal with it. You're out of touch... This video is AWESOME!

A lot of love and a lot of gay...

2011-12-28T12:14:00.000-08:00

Quote from someone at work today "this person is having a whole bunch of trouble..." Can't finish the rest of the sentence cause it would just be wrong.

It was pretty funny... And I have the soundtrack from Annie stuck in my head. I wonder if I'm a gay man sometimes. HA!

Did you ever have the hope that with "Saved by the Bell" that Zach and Kelly wouldn't stay together and it would just be a horrible ending. Like say, REAL LIFE! I kind of did... That was one of the worst/best shows ever! But I loved watching it on Saturday mornings as a kid. My brother Jeff had the Zach hair cut too. My mother had the Zach cell phone too, cause she was important! That show was so mindless...

Anyways... Memories... I don't have any right now. I was thinking last night as I was emotionally eating ice cream and watching the x-files, I was thinking that I haven't really had time like that to myself in a long time. I was offered to go swimming with Josh and Amy last night, but I didn't really want to work out at all and I'm thinking that at the beginning of the new year I will be able to start working out again. I liked the fact that I just sat by myself enjoying mindless television. I never noticed how horrible the x-files were either... It's some horrible acting, well at least some of the people. I might just do that again tonight...

I'm super tired too... I have no idea why.

and that's why I live in a tee-ppe

2011-12-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Ahhh...

I've got to go to the bike store with Josh (Ben's oldest son, not my brother) today. We need to get him some need tires and tubes for his bike. I'm also going to show him how to change a tire on his bike. It's always good to know how to do shit like that when you bike a lot.

Yesterday was boxing day, aka a day that is required for me to work. It went pretty well and we are starting to get caught up finally. I'm debating on going in today for overtime after my drum lesson. We will see if I want to do that or not.

The last couple of days have been pretty boring... I haven't done much at all. Nor have I cared to... Just chilling, making my leg feel better. But I was able to get some horrible television in last night, and I'm not saying it was aliens, BUT... IT WAS ALIENS!!!!!! I love that show.

I'm listening to old shows of TBTL again and I'm again remembering all the things I was doing while I was originally listening to the show on the radio. I'm at the point were I started working out and riding my bike to work everyday. Actually, I think I'm at the point where people were starting to really notice that I was losing weight in my face and hips. I didn't realize at the time, but I was biking like 10 to 12 miles a day for 25 to 30 minutes in the morning and then in the afternoon again. See... I couldn't afford gas in March of 2008 and I had to start bussing it. Taking the bus from our place at 65th and Sandpoint was not great for taking the bus at all (2 hours and 3 buses), so I had to think of a different game plan. I then thought, we live so close to the burke-gilman trail and it's flat, I should be able to just bike to Montlake and 520, hop on a bus and get to work. Well, it was an awesome plan, but it was hard and the bike I had sucked. It was shitty but by the time May rolled around I was also starting to work out a bit when I got home. I would get home around 6:45ish to 7ish and I would turn on TBTL, and workout for about 40 minutes while the ex-wife was either doing math or something else upstairs (she was still in college). I would continue to listen to TBTL while I cooked dinner and it was a nightly thing for me, unless I was going to an AA meeting, then I would normally listen in my car until the last second and then get back in my car and take the long way home so I could listen to TBTL longer. Actually, sometimes I didn't even go to the meetings cause I would much rather listen to TBTL. The ex-wife didn't like TBTL so I had to do it when she didn't notice it. I couldn't even force her to listen to it... I should have know then that it wasn't going to work. HA!

Strange... Life is strange.

Toast!

2011-12-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

At dinner this evening it was nice. I wasn't rushed, I didn't have worry about anything but just being with my family. Jeff gave a small toast referring to the fact that Josh isn't dating Mavis (that was year's ago now, but none of us really liked her) and that it wasn't someones birthday and I wasn't in a rush to leave. My brother Jeff seemed to be really pleased that we had a really good day, I think we all did.

I think it hurt my families feelings the last couple of years by being so rushed and having to have a birthday party for the ex-wife. We would always have go late, and leave early. I never really got to stay and eat turkey and just hang out. I love that, but I guess I never went to Christmas with the ex-wife, but I had to work the day after the last 5 years, and I was the major bread-winner. I was supposed to go to Florida with the ex-wife this Christmas if we would have made it, and I would have taken the hit at work. But the term EX means I don't have to ever go to Florida again unless work forces me to! Yay!

Actually, I hate the fact that I have to work after Christmas. But I have a good job, but I now know what my new years resolution shall be... I will keep it to myself, it doesn't need to be public at all. You can most likely guess it though.

I'm tired and my many blankets are calling my name. It's not weird enjoying being alone, it's actually pretty normal.

my favorite christmas

2011-12-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

Someone told me that I should write more about memories and crap... Apparently, it's more engaging to read and I got a great compliment from Michelle last night about my blog. So I guess maybe I'll take this a little more seriously. Considering I'm getting like 200 hits a week... And to the person in Russia reading this, you are AWESOME! You must like my shit because you check it everyday!

So I must of been about 4ish for this Christmas, maybe 3ish I'm not entirely sure. My dad was still in the house, so he hadn't moved out yet and he slept in the guest room/den downstairs, which means I had to be really little. My mother always had a thing with Santa and me. My dad and mom both threatened my brothers every year that if they told me Santa wasn't real that was the end of it (well, most likely they threatened some sort of bodily harm). I actually thought Santa was real until I was about 9 or 10, I don't know why I didn't put two and two together, but I believed in him for a long ass time. Anyways, this one year Jeff and I woke up and ran downstairs and HOLY SHIT! There were fucking Santa foot prints... FUCKING PROOF! I lost my shit! The foot prints started from the fire place to the tree and there was just a whole bunch of white foot prints all over the floor. And the presents were all laid out, I remember the big presents weren't wrapped and I vaguely remember getting a doll bed and legos. It was so cool to see all those foot prints, I think that Christmas was the reason I believed in Santa for so long. I still remember how my jaw dropped as I entered our fancy living room that we never used (except for Christmas). As I got older and stopped believing in Santa, my mother told me what it really was. She got my Dad's combat boots from Nam and dipped them in a mixture that made white prints that was easy to vacuum up! She told me that it took her only about 15 minutes to put all the foot prints down, but that it was great to see how excited I was. I loved that day...

Also, I just remember another Christmas. Christmas eve I couldn't sleep, I must of been like 6 or 7 and I went into Jeff's room and asked if he was up. Which he was and we were both too excited to sleep. We went down stairs to see if Santa came yet and he hadn't. Jeff and I decided to sleep in the fancy living room together and cuddled, just like little kids do. Jeff and I hated one another to the point of us almost killing each other everyday. But that night, we were in it together... Sometimes, you just know your family loves you, regardlessly of how much you don't get along.

It's funny, those two stories are some of my favorites to tell around this time of year and they have nothing to do with presents, but just the experience.

Merry Christmas! And if the ex-wife does actually check my blog... Happy Birthday Emily, I hope it's a good one, it's your last year in your twenties.

Now it's time to ruin some Christmas'

2011-12-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

I've been working in this call center since 2006, and every year around this time I've managed to ruin Christmas for many families that I've never met. My first year here, was very stressful since I was working all the time, scared I was going to screw something up and lose my job... Which I could not afford to lose at that point in time in my life (needed to pay rent and most of the bills). I was so scared of the people I was talking to on the phones that it was stressful everyday at work. But then over the months I became numb to all of them. I had heard every story, situation, and horrible life event that made consumers feel justified in either yelling at me or demanding whatever they want, even if it seemed totally unreasonable. Don't get me wrong, some people really have a good reason to be pissed, but there is only so much I can do over the phone with tomorrow being Christmas!

My first Christmas having the title I have now at work, I had a very upset consumer call in and get transferred to my department. Her child had dropped the unit months ago and now it wasn't working right and she felt that it was not because the child dropped it at all, but it was our workmanship that cause it to stop working. She was demanding that we overnight her a system, brand new with a new title (being vague on what was actually sent on purpose) and I was freaking out. I had never dealt with anyone so upset before and I kind of wanted to cry. I told her I didn't think I could do anything like that at all (she was threatening to do all sorts of horrible things) but I told her I would see what I could do. All of a sudden I speak with my main supervisor, and I get the green light. I ran and received a brand new unit, new title that she wanted, and DROVE to the UPS hub to have it overnight delivered to this lady on December 23rd, 2007. This was all with the hope that she would be honest and send back the broken unit once she received the new one with the included prepaid shipping label. She did send back the broken unit, and once I got the package, I figured there would at least be a thank you note. Like, thanks for doing that for my kid you made our Christmas, but there was just the system, no note... NOTHING. I lost a little faith in humans the day I opened that package. Just remember that no one is entitled to anything, but if you bitch enough you'll most likely get what you want. But at least say fucking thank you...

It's almost Christmas eve

2011-12-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

There is a lot I was thinking about today and my place. I'm was emotional all day today, but it was fun this evening with my brother's and Kaily. Josh was chasing her around like he used to do with me, I was throwing her in the air like a doll, Jordan was making funny voices. We called the Hall and Oats help line, which was funny cause my dad couldn't hear what was going on at all.

I noticed that when ever my family gets together the conversation always turns to sex somehow. We are a very openly sexual family, but I guess that's good? Maybe??? I have no idea... But it's pretty funny. I was wondering what the next person I take to meet my family will think? We are a crazy bunch and a little weird in general.

We were also talking about all stories and somehow this story of a friend of our fathers' brother pretty much cut his leg off in front of us while chainsawing a fell tree. As Josh was telling the story I got this vivid memory of this accident. I remember his leg and it was right around his knee and all the blood. We were all up at the lake property and Dad cut off the bleeding, but he left Josh, Jeff and myself up there while they all rushed to the hospital. We were there late enough to were Josh made a fire until my dad got back (josh was like 13 or 14). This is now my earliest memory... I can even remember my Father's instructions to all of us: "Janie and Jeff, listen to Josh. Josh here is how far you can go away from the fire once it's started, and don't go anywhere until I get back." Dad came back hours later but I was never scared. Josh always took good care of us... But they did leave 3 kids in the middle of the woods for hours. HA! The shit you remember... Strange...

I'm totally stupid...

2011-12-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

I'm being played and I let it happen. I always let it fucking happen. Well, it shall stop today because really all I want to do these days is lay in my bed with all my blankets and cat. I'm just gonna start buying a shit ton of cats.

Last night I was talking with Kym about all my girl troubles and she looked at me and said to just quit it. Kym and I decided that we are going to both be those self-supporting auntie's with like 100 cats. I'm beginning to be more comfortable with this whole cat thing. And being the cool aunt that drinks too much (but not too much) and just does her own thing. I'm totally stopping going after people now, it just ends in failure, shit look at the marriage that I just failed out of.

If you want me,
well fucking and come find me.
I'll be waiting...
With a gun and pack of sandwiches
I'm ready
I'm ready...

HA!

2011-12-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

I find it funny that I get a divorce and I get obsessed with TBTL and become an Admin on the Seattle Ten's page on Facebook because of all my activity on the page. Meet all three of them... Well, still only two (I'm waiting for Luke to email me for my free drink) and have a regular email exchange with the producer. And make all these new friends via this one podcast/radio show. I feel slightly happy and disturbed about it all at the same time.

I was depressed last night and for the couple of days before that, but I somehow decided that I need to pull myself up and let it go. I would still like to just cuddle with all of my blankets and not leave my bed, but I'm going to force myself to at least remember that shit isn't that bad, but it's also OK to be depressed as well. This is a time to be happy that I have a loving family (even if they stress me out), I have a good job (even though they make poor decisions about promoting me), great friends, and that I don't look 30... From what everyone tells me I look anywhere from 18 to 23, tops 25. Thank goodness... And it explains all the young girls hitting on me when I go to a bar... But it's weird when you make a joke about the 80's and they have no idea what you're talking about because they were born in 1990. Creepy... But kind of awesome... And one last thing to be happy about is that I get to find someone that will be a real partner. Someone to spend the rest of my life with... I have no idea who this person is, but I'll know it once it happens. Shit, maybe I already know the person.

Hammertime! and Merry Holidays... Or whatever, I don't really care what you do this holiday season, just don't drink and drive! Take a play out of my book and call a cab and pay the 40 bucks to get home (i did that last saturday night) and then another 40 to get your car in the morning... much cheaper than a DUI or say, KILLING SOMEONE!

And here is the most underrated Christmas song EVER! I really love this song.

one year from now...

2011-12-21T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm hopefully going to be looking back at this post and either know the world is going to end or has...

Really, from my studies of the Mayan long count calendar it doesn't mean that the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012... But rather a restarting of said calendar. From what I remember about my personal obsession with the Mayan and my many readings I've read, they had many calendars or measurements of time. They had one for one day/week/month/year and then the long count calendar. Some people thought that it was odd that it would just end on that one day, but I don't. It's just because it was a society that ended, somewhat quickly due to horrible invaders bringing disease/guns/slavery and them leaving their cities to be over ran by the jungle. They moved into the hills and a lot of them were able to perserve some sense of culture, but most of their writings were fucking burned by a priest (jackass). Really, it could just start all over again. Maybe with the meaning of having a new beginning. We don't know for sure since, we did not create it. And you can never really re-create something with out the proper instructions.

I'm not gonna lie. I've been pretty depressed the last couple of days and I kind of hate myself right now. I feel like this: "I've never really been given a chance?" I add a question mark on purpose cause I'm wondering if that is really true anymore. Maybe I've had a chance, but never did anything to get it. Or the chance has passed and I never noticed. And I'm wondering even more if I need to just make my own chance. It's just like people jumping to conclusions about the Mayan Calendar ending on one day and is it just because I don't have the proper instructions on my chance (BTDub's I'm not talking about love). My chance is something more than just one thing, but a whole bunch of things wrapped into one. My family, friends, love, work, hobbies, obsessions, music, jokes, television, movies, books, presents, talks, observations, walks, injuries, thoughts, feelings... I have a lot of feelings.

I think I need to really need to start working out again... This leg needs to get better and NOW!

Oh goodness I'm cooking food! At home... Weird???

2011-12-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

Well, this evening was going better until I spoke with my mother.

I think I need to leave this state and just disappear for awhile. Maybe I will go move with Bonnie... Sometimes I just want to run away... And never look back.

If anyone

2011-12-21T14:02:00.001-08:00

that reads my blog, wants to keep me distracted by making me laugh or watching television with me over the next couple of days... I would appreciate it.

I have ruined Christmas twice today for people I don't even know.

Yay!

What the fuck does the person above me do???

2011-12-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

I swear to god they put a treadmill up there... Shit they are loud! It sounds like they are running and dropping shit on purpose.

I'm in a fussy mood and work didn't make things any fucking better. I'm about to do more overtime this week and I'm super tired and just in general feeling shitty about my life. I don't really want to work overtime, but being at work is the only thing that is keeping my mind as busy as I can. I'm running into problems with thinking too much again.

I'm going to hop into bed (I found some other blankets in my hope chest that I forgot about) and just sulk. I never had a chance to begin with, I seem to always set myself up for failure. I don't want to think anymore.

How does one not think anymore? Is it fucking possible... can I market it? I'd be rich if I could...

I'm stopping NOW!!!

2011-12-20T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of trying so damn hard.

everything has pissed me off since I've gotten into work today. I'm going to target tonight, getting my niece a christmas present and then going home and going to bed. I fucking hate Christmas... At least I don't have to feel guilty about it being someones fucking birthday as well.

Fuck it...

going to bed early

2011-12-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

Hopping into bed now is not a normal thing. I'm used to staying up late and not sleeping all that much, but for whatever reason I'm super tired today and I need the sleep. It could be the leg, but it is feeling a whole bunch better now. I'm only really using the crutches because I'm scared i'm gonna hurt it again if I don't. But still doing certain movements is hard for me...

My neighbor above me is super loud too. I have no idea who they are, but shit do they walk heavy. It's like they are running up there.

And Jeff bugs the shit out of me... arrgghh... Leave it to your older brother to make you want to punch him in the face.

Such is life... goodnight interwebs!

I started drinking at 10am

2011-12-19T01:46:00.000-08:00

I do love football... I love that I have a reason to go to a bar and get drunk at 10am in the morning.

I came home late saturday/early sunday morning from the gate. The ten's and I had an awesome night of singing and drinking! Rawr... I made some new connections and better connections with other tens! It was a great night.

I crawled into bed and it smelt lovely... And it still does. I don't know what it is about smells, but I'm very aware of them and who smells good. And I'm very aware of who smells bad...

I was awoken to a text message this morning and it was good, cause I had to take a cab up to the gate to get my truck and then drive to Leny's place (aka the bar i watch football at). I was hungover and just started drinking as soon as I could. The Seahawks fucking won and played a great game, and we stayed a bit longer at Leny's and played pool and made friends with a transplant from PA who is a die hard Seahawks fan. We went back to Josh's and took a nap and then went to another bar and drank more... I've been drinking all day...

The best part of my day was my conversation with Abbie. I love my best friend and it's weird to think she has been in my life for half of it. I've known her for 15 years... And I'm so glad I don't look 30!

I know how to crash Christmas parties now...

2011-12-17T11:54:00.000-08:00

Next December I'm just gonna show up at the Rainier Club on Friday nights and walk in like I own the place, grab a couple of drinks, meet some people and then leave. That was far too easy to get into that place last night, but it was fun. It's funny to watch people at fancy parties get drunk! I love it!

I was asleep by 11:30 last night, which is weird. I'm normally up until like 1ish or so... I actually got a lot of sleep and my leg is really starting to feel better now. It's still hard to do certain things (like putting on pants or getting into a car) but it's getting a lot better! Thank goodness! I'm hoping another week on the crutches will make it completely ok and happy again. Then I will be able to work out! Yay!

Tonight is the Gate and drinks... I'm gonna have to find out how I'm gonna get home. I might see if Miki and Ben will let me sleep in the guest room. But I can always cab it too... I'll figure something out.

I want a nap for some reason...

Having divorced friends is FUN!

2011-12-16T13:33:00.000-08:00

Holy shit, Hannah and I got pretty drunk last night and it was fun! It's nice to talk to someone else going through almost the exact same shit that I went through. We had a lot of parallel events and situations in our marriages and it was nice to have someone that had been through it too. A lot of people really don't get it, but when I find someone that does... Oh it's just nice to bitch about it. Some people just want to tell you; "but those were your old plans" or "you don't want to be in that relationship" or my favorite "but you're better off now!" I'm not trying to be rude, that is all sound advice and true, but I know all that. I just want to bitch sometimes and be told; "Hey, you're awesome and I've seen you have grown from all of this." But it is also nice to have people give me advice, sometimes it comes from a place where you wouldn't have expected it.

And I'm pretty hungover today... Too much wine last night.

yesterday, I woke up sucking a lemon

2011-12-15T14:07:00.000-08:00

Well actually, both yesterday and today I did. I woke up early today and came to work early for OT and I will be staying late this evening too. It's not like I really have much to do anyways. The only things I want to do is listen to TBTL, new music, hang out with Josh and Amy, workout (which I can't do) and I would like someone to watch some television with.

I need a drink... My days are dark and I feel crazier by the minute. At least the leg feels better.

It's sad when you have

2011-12-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

a video game that makes you want to get up in the morning. At least I have that, I really wish I could work out cause that would make me feel better about everything. I'm also listening to back to black like it's my job... The entire album is very fitting for me right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not losing it or anything it just shit is painful emotionally and physically. But at least I have my distractions...

Here is another Amy Winehouse song... Sorry for all the songs by her this week, but the album is just so damn good.

give up

2011-12-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

I give up... I'm ready to throw in the towel. I'm trying really hard to not just flip my desk up and yell and crutch out (cause I can't walk).

A part of me wants to be left alone, but another part of me wants the attention from everyone around me. I have no idea how these two conflicting ideas can even exist at the same point in my brain. My brain seems to go back to the same thoughts over and over again. Is this it? Should I start buying cats? Should I call someone to hangout? Should I ask how the ex-wife is doing? Should I send the ex-wife a birthday present? Why did I even think of that last thought? What is wrong with me? Why do certain songs make me cry? Why do I feel this way at? Why do all my relationships seem to be so full of drama? Why can't I just leave the thought of you behind me? What is fucking wrong with you? Why did I think that was a bright thing to say? Am I racist? What did my doctor tell me not to do again? What the fuck just happened and how did I drive all the way to the coast? Why do I feel like you're judging me all the fucking time? Why would you put up with someone that puts you down and makes you crazy? Why would you waste your time with someone that never respected you? Why do you even care?

I wonder about everyone's motives now... I don't really trust most people. Everyone is going to let you down in the long run, just give them enough time.

today sucked

2011-12-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

I'm able to use a handicap parking spot at work thanks to my boss, but I did not get the promotion in my department. Granted, I've had a shitastic year and I really have not been at my best (30 minute crying fits in the bathroom in the summer) and I have not been on my A game.

Really I can't blame them, cause I've sucked recently. Let's face it, shit has sucked this last year... the entire 2011 has sucked, minus those little gems that have given me purpose to keep going. But man, I'm kind of just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll see what happens... I still have an option for the position in the other department that I would much rather want anyways. It makes me wonder if I should really just start looking for another job. I'm going nowhere and fast... I need to look at all my options and I know that I can do a lot more than what I am. And that's not just me being full of myself, but honest... I'm not letting this drag me down.

And here is a song by Amy once again... It's too bad she died. I'd much rather just do music for a living...

just friends...

2011-12-13T13:26:00.000-08:00

Oh man... I've been on an Amy Winehouse kick right now. I know I've wrote that the other day, but I love this song and it's kind of my life in many different ways... Just listen to this song

This is the type of voice I could listen to over and over again... I've never been into anything more than an R&B type of voice. By far my favorite... Actually, I don't like much other female type of vocals, except for R&B. Sorry lesbians! I just don't get the folk thing... it's not my bag. If it's good rock and roll, I'm down for whatever though...

updating the iPhone

2011-12-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

I'm finally doing the update for my iPhone and it is taking forever! This is exactly why I didn't want to update it cause I knew it would take forever! Which it is...

I invited a couple of people to the ten holiday party that are not in the ten group and one of them was Luke, but I totally doubt he will show up. Considering we already have like 15 people going... And they are all Ten's. That might be too much for Luke. But I've also invited Sean so hopefully one of them will come out!

Gosh... How long can it take to update my iPhone...

Sartorius Muscle

2011-12-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

Is the longest muscle in your body and is also referred as your tailor muscle. This is also the muscle in my leg that is giving me the pain from HELL! Once we found out that it was not a hairline fracture (very good news) she decided to do some doctor checks and had me move my leg in certain ways and she felt my Sartorius muscle and then compared it to the one on the other side and she had me feel it too. It was all inflamed and felt much different than my right leg.

I asked her if cortisone was the right way to go with this and then some PT. She said that this is not the right route for this type of injury. She told me that I'm gonna have to suck it up and deal with the pain, cause all cortisone will do is mask the pain and then make it so I think i'm better and in a month when it wears off I'll be in the same place pain wise. When in reality all it needs is for me to crutch around for a couple of weeks, keep up my ibuprofen usage, and lots of icing. She said that PT isn't going to do much anyways with this injury cause it's just strained and it would kind of be a waste of time since I can do simple light exercises that will stretch the muscle correctly.

And the saddest part of all of this... No bowling for at least two weeks. Oh well, it could be worse... I'm just happy it's not a hairline fracture!

Yay! All in all, life isn't half bad these days! (knocks on wood)!

I fell down...

2011-12-12T00:33:00.001-08:00

Which turned a very good day into me crying a lot. It was still a good day though... Considering the only thing I did was go over to Jeff and Sarah's to see Kaily and have some dinner with them. And then Josh's to watch a movie and horrible television.

I've had an interesting weekend so far and tomorrow I get to go to the doctor to figure out this shit with my leg. I fell down this evening going down Josh's stairs and landed on my ass. Let's just say it ended in me crying like a bitch and I'm starting to realize that being injured and not having anyone around is really hard. If I've got to stay on these crutches I'm gonna need some major help. I'm having trouble doing anything and I really wish I had a parking spot in my building, cause this sucks crutching from my car to the apartment. It took me 15 minutes to just get from my truck to my apartment this evening. I'm tearing up a bit now, cause I don't want it to hurt and falling really hurt and I'm kind of whiny right now.

I'm gonna find a good movie to watch and just fall asleep... Hopefully, it won't hurt too bad this evening while sleeping. The sleeping pills seem to be working, cause I forgot the day this morning. But really these are all first world problems, and really if I was in a different time and I was injured, they pretty much just let me be injured and they couldn't and wouldn't do much for me. I'd be screwed... If I had to go into the thunderdome tomorrow, I'd fucking be dead.

Goodnight everyone...

Lazy...

2011-12-11T14:21:00.001-08:00

I slept until 11ish this morning and woke up thinking I was late to an appointment! HA! I forgot what day it was... I completely crashed last night after closing out the Canterbury with Nikki last night. I'm surprisingly good with crutches while drunk as shit. But I was in a lot of pain and I think it showed, actually I'm pretty sure it did since she made sure I got inside ok, which was sweet of her. I was on my feet too much at the company party last night and it really was super painful by the time I got to the bar last night. The whiskey helped though...

After I stopped freaking out about thinking I missed an appointment this morning, I smiled and relaxed. I started listening to a shit ton of music on the computer (always looking for new music these days), and listened to some old shit too. I've been on an Amy Winehouse kick these days and also I've been listening to the beach boys a lot too. The beach boys remind me of being a little girl, with dreams of being a rock star. I still want that dream to come true so badly... I would trade anything in the world for that to happen.

I'm so much happier being alone these days, and last night was fun. Except for the surprisingly racist slur that came out of my month, sorry about that. That surprised me... I have no idea what or how that came out of my month? I was trying to say something else, and couldn't think of the actual word and out came a racial slur! Awesome! I'm a fucking idiot sometimes... Oh well, I hope Nikki doesn't think less of me for it, cause I was not meaning to say that at all. I was pretty drunk though... But that's not a good excuse for racial slurs.

And I love the way my pillows smell right now... Random thought... I know, I'm weird.

And it's sad that Amy Winehouse couldn't get her shit together... She could have and was so awesome. My heart goes out to her family and friends.

this is me...

2011-12-11T02:28:00.001-08:00

I'm kind of dumb, and really smart. But one thing I know a lot about is music....

Actually, it's the only thing I will ever really judge anyone on. If you have horrible taste in music, I will never have any respect for you. Don't take it to heart, but you should know better. Most people have pretty good taste in music... but some people don't really get it. At least in the long run.

My shoulder's hurt... fucking crutches...

BTdub's it wasn't half bad of a night. At least my bed is made...

been busy!

2011-12-10T09:58:00.001-08:00

This is the first post I've made in a couple of days... Or least it feels like it... Normally, I post like 3 times a day, but I've been busy. My social life has kind of changed a lot recently, for the best in my opinion and it's kept me from the computer altogether.

Tonight is the company party and I look good. I'm excited cause last year I didn't get to go to the party, since I had to go to the ex-wife's party (they were on the same night). The food is apparently great! The drinks are free and I get to see a whole bunch of co-workers from different departments that I never get to see! Yay!

I'm looking forward to the evening and I've got a purple shirt on!

OMG... Ok, I'm worried now.

2011-12-08T19:26:00.001-08:00

I'm calling the doctor tomorrow morning to see if I can get an appointment sooner than Monday. I think something is really wrong now.

The problem is that when I don't move it feels totally fine, but as soon as I get up... it's a burning sharp pain in my leg. I know it's not a hairline fracture, but I'm worried I did something Tuesday morning and now it's really fucked up.

I'm taking it easy tonight and I'm just gonna listen to today's TBTL show, watch some New Girl and go to bed.

Leg, I'm sorry for hurting you, please forgive me and get better. I will not over do it again, I'm really sorry. I love you and we are stuck together, so please just get better.

Ice pack!

2011-12-08T09:24:00.001-08:00

I brought an ice pack to work today. I'm going to try icing it all day and see how it feels. I don't know what I did to make it worse, but I fucking did something. I couldn't get to sleep last night until 3am and now I'm in pain and tired, which will make for some fussy calls today. I'm going to call my doctor to see if I can get a cortisone shot, that way I will have some damn relief.

it's called not sleeping

2011-12-08T02:02:00.001-08:00

My fucking leg is killing me... I will be honest about this being the first time in a really long time that I would like some perk's or something to just take the pain away. But I'm powering through it... I can't get settled and every time I fucking move it hurts. I'm just trying to watch my intake of advil so my stomach doesn't bleed, but it hurts and I want to cry cause I haven't been able to sleep. Ice is the only thing that makes it numb enough for me to not think about it... damn it. Arrgghhh........

I'm cranky...

this song has been playing on repeat all day

2011-12-07T16:01:00.001-08:00

I love it, but it's kind of sad too:

I'm so emo sometimes! HA!

I can't take the bus...

2011-12-07T09:19:00.001-08:00

It's too much damn walking. I was in so much pain last night... It gets better then worse. I was at least able to sleep a bit better than the night before and I stayed on my good side most of the night, there was only once that I woke up in pain. God, this fucking sucks. But I'm going to schedule a message with my favorite message therapist since I got a random email via facebook from her. Maybe I should friend her on facebook... I've always thought she was pretty cute...

And I've got a bunch of Ten's emailing me now to see when Luke and I are going to get a drink. I feel popular. But he shouldn't have said my name on the show yesterday... Cause everyone wants the details.

And I need to find someone to watch television tonight. I don't want to go anywhere, but just lay in my bed and watch tv. Most people won't want to do that with me, so I will be alone icing my leg this evening. Maybe I'll call Miki and go up there, she'll have ice.

sleep...

2011-12-06T23:01:00.001-08:00

I haven't been sleeping well because I've been waking up sleeping on my fucked up leg. It's gotten better, don't get me wrong... but it hurts super bad in the morning. Then on top of it I'm sleep walking and waking up in weird places, like the hall way or the tub (no water in the tub). I'm not drinking too much either, actually I didn't drink anything on Sunday night and I woke up in the hall way?

I'm going to try and go to bed now... I'm sleepy.

goodnight all, and it's just a matter of time until I start doing horrible shit on the internet in my sleep. Shit, if I can cook pasta in my sleep... just think of the crap I could do on the internet.

Btdub's I'm totally awake right now.

something new....

2011-12-06T11:23:00.001-08:00

I went on a shopping spree on iTunes last night and bought five new albums. iTunes is an evil and a lovely creation! I'm digging the M83 album "Hurry up, We're dreaming." It's pretty good in my opinion.

And I haven't been able to wipe this smile off my face. Things have changed and I will never want them to go back to the way they were. I was telling someone last night that I get lonely sometimes, but I'd much rather be lonely than unhappy. That thought brought an instant smile to my face, cause it reminded me of what I've wanted for so long. I just want to be happy, and I've had some of the best times in the last couple of weeks. And it's all based off the fact I'm doing everything for me and learning about myself. No one is around to tell me what I should be doing, or how I should feel, or debating my emotions, or judging me, or making feel stupid, or nagging me to do something pointless, or telling me I can't or shouldn't hang out with my family, or bitching at me in general for some stupid shit...

I don't have any drama, I don't have any major issues at all right now. Things are just fine... They haven't been "just fine" in so long, I had forgotten what that was like. It's nice... it makes me happy!

And I'm sure I've posted this... But I love this song.

Awesome DAY!!!

2011-12-05T22:38:00.001-08:00

So I had a very good day...

I woke up at like 9:30 and bought some coffee and messed around the apartment and then went to therapy (therapy was pretty good!). I came back home and cleaned a bit and put some clothes in the wash and practiced my drums before my lesson today and I was able to watch TBTL live today and join in the chat with the sTens.

This is the kicker... I walk to my truck and turn it on and I see a pink piece of paper under my wiper blade. I was like why the fuck would I have a fucking ticket??? FUCK!!! But then I get out and grab the piece of paper and here is a picture of the paper:

AWESOME DAY! Yay! Plus, I bowled well this evening!

This was Luke's first Ten in the wild spotting! I'm wondering if maybe I'm lucky... I could be. I had to text a couple of Tens I know and I called Miki too! I was super excited to see this!

And my drum lesson was rad today... I learned something super cool involving paradiddles. It's actually pretty hard, but I'm getting it.

Today was a good day.

today was so beautiful

2011-12-04T21:07:00.001-08:00

Holy shit was it nice out! And I had a good day! Actually, I've had a pretty good week, besides the little shitty parts. Those were pretty small humps that were easy to get over.

It started with me getting home at 4:30am this morning and just messing around the apartment writing tired and emotional (aka drunk) blog posts. Totally had the case of the T&E's last night.

I was awoken at 10:30ish this morning by a text message and watched law and order until Josh txt'd me asking if I wanted waffles! Josh, Amy and I all took a nap during the Packers game (which was a good game to watch! Go Packers!) and then we went and saw the muppets movie!

Josh and I both got a bit emotional at the movie cause we use to watch the muppets ALL the time when we were little. Actually, I didn't realize how much we watched until the movie started and I got this vision of me being a little kid and getting really excited because the theme song would be coming on soon. I loved the muppets when I was a kid and it was super emotional and a tear or two strolled down my face.

Also, today it just felt awesome. Last night just felt awesome. Liam called me Auntie Janie and gave me so many kisses. I played music for hours last night. It was bright and sunny today. And I learned how to play two notes on the piccolo last night. All the events of the last couple of days have come to form my life and have shown me that I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm so glad things are finally coming together. I was talking to Miki last night about it before her and Ben left for the movie, and it that I'm feeling better about my life because I'm finally living for myself and making right choices and not doing stupid shit. She told me she was proud of the progress I've made and that I seem happy again and she hasn't seen that in me in a long time. I'm understanding who I am and it feels great.

cuddling

2011-12-04T05:08:00.001-08:00

I see your body next to someone else. It doesn't bother me... Which is actually strange. It's been so long since I've since have had someone to just spoon with. You have no idea what amazing strides I've taken. You will never know... You are nervous that I'm right. I know I'm right. I'm sorry for everything but it was true.... I let you in.... and you are one of the only people that I actually let in. Hopefully, it will be easier for the next person. Don't ever call me, email me, just leave me alone. Actually, just leave... this is my home and not yours.... Go home, you should have never moved here.

Goodnight...

great evening...

2011-12-04T02:31:00.001-08:00

I'm actually over at Josh's right now, and we are jamming. I'm just taking a break, cause I wanted to make sure my profile picture on Facebook changed. It did change, which is good and I should stop posting now. So I will...

What a good night. I love playing music. I know some of you have heard me say this before, but music is better than sex. I'm going to play some more. Bye interwebs...

Dear person in Russia

2011-12-03T10:16:00.001-08:00

You have been reading my blog A LOT! That's pretty AWESOME!! I might know you, maybe?

I feel a bit better today, and my leg is feeling a lot better. It did get pretty sore last night towards the end of the 3rd game of bowling. I woke up with it a little sore, but I can tell that it is getting better than it was. It was a fun night and Josh won like $60 bucks cause it Monte Carlo night. It was pretty cool. I had a lot of fun, minus the leg getting pretty sore.

I was doing some thinking last night about my life and where I want to be in my development. I feel like I've made a lot of progress in the last month, but I'm realizing that I need to let go of what I don't want. I know what I don't want, I just don't really know what I actually want. A part of me just wants to start over and all the things in the past that I did, seems so dumb to me. Why did I try so hard in a failing relationship? Why did I put up with all the drama? Why am I attracted to drama? Why do people bother me so much? Why do I not let anyone in? I have no clue.

Going bowling...

2011-12-02T20:05:00.001-08:00

I'm at josh's napping/playing on my phone. Today was kind of shitty considering I started crying at one point today. Gosh, people can be so mean sometimes and they don't flipping understand that you can't do anything for them.

I'm going bowling with Josh and Amy tonight. It should be fun... At least it can be a way to get my mind off shit.

really???

2011-12-02T13:14:00.001-08:00

ARRGGHH... If you'd like to know what I'm so upset about, you'd need to contact me... cause I'm not fucking writing about. Cause it shouldn't bother me. But I really did not need to know that...

I just really want to cuddle with someone right now and not be here.

no like football on thursday nights...

2011-12-01T19:20:00.001-08:00

arrgghh... I was driving today so that I could back to Seattle quickly and watch the game, but that didn't happen. I wasn't going to make to Lenny's by half time so I just stopped off at Josh's (he has fish club tonight) and I'm watching the game at his house. Then I'm gonna head up to Ben and Miki's for bad television. At least we are winning the game this evening... that's always a nice to up by at least two touchdowns!

And have I told you that my leg hurts? Cause it does... But I think it's actually starting to feel better now.

I put fussy pants on last night

2011-12-01T08:48:00.001-08:00

I went out to dinner with Bonnie and Thomas last night and Bonnie and I were both really fussy. We joked about it and then I realized that I was really tired. I had stayed up way too late the night before and my leg had been killing me all day. I ended up going home pretty early and watched the new episode of the New Girl (my new favorite show), and fell asleep shortly after that. I was so tired I fell asleep with my phone in my hand while I was playing my addictive new game on the iPhone. I woke up with my phone on my chest and all the lights on still at like midnight, cause someone decided to drunk text me. It was a nice text message, but I responded quickly and went back to sleep and made sure to put my phone on vibrate.

Then at like 5am I woke up to a shooting pain in my leg, I was of course sleeping the painful way. So I got up and got some water and tried to make it feel better with ice which helped. But damn, it is pretty fucking painful and it's making my super tired and cranky.

I really need to figure out if I'm going to take anyone to the company party or show up solo... I don't know about it, we will see...

And I think you should really listen to words of this song... I think I really have a thing for lyrics all of a sudden. Actually, I've always had a thing for lyrics, but I just never really cared that much to really talk about them. I'm so glad that I'm finally getting to a more balanced state in my life. That makes me not fussy...

"slow it down, you have a tendency to rush back into your past."

Tegan and Sara... weird...

2011-11-30T09:48:00.001-08:00

So I've been listening to Tegan and Sara non-stop for the last couple of days. I find it funny cause I hated all their albums except the first one, until like a week ago. Actually, the ex-wife and I drove down to Portland to see them in like 2010, cause for whatever reason they didn't go to Seattle (jerks!)... Anyways, I didn't want to go to the stupid show, cause I didn't like most of the albums and I didn't like the fact that the ex wanted to go so bad we had to drive down to Portland for it. The only thing that really got me on board was the fact that we were going to buy a Mac Mini while we were down there, which we did. We drove down in the early afternoon and got to Portland around 5ish and went straight to the Mac store. We bought the computer and then got some food in Portland and then met up with some friends and went to the show. I was a stick in the mud the entire time. I was pissed that I had to take off work early and then drive back to Seattle that night, so that I could go to work sleep deprived the next day.

I don't know why I was pissed about the show, it was a good show and they did play some songs from the first album (which I was happy about). I think it was the fact that it was the first show I'd been to in months and it wasn't the one I wanted to go to... Since I had already seen them twice... Weird... I'm now totally into the last couple of albums and "hell" and "alligator" are like my new theme songs right now. Gosh, I have a lot of theme songs...

HA!

It is now sleep time

2011-11-30T02:01:00.001-08:00

I'm totally ready for bed, actually I was ready about an 30 minutes ago... But I needed more food.

It was a good night... I bought a 2 litter bottle of cherry coke for some homeless guy. It was the least I could for the dude. I figured since he didn't ask me for beer I'd be more than happy to buy him a cherry coke. I mean shit, the dude will be sleeping outside this evening. My evening went well, with me ending up on the roof! I love my roof... Best view ever.

And I really love this song right now, and my hair cut is awesome...

It won't let me embed the video so just click this

i need a date

2011-11-29T09:38:00.001-08:00

To the company Christmas party. There will be free booze... I realized yesterday that the person I wanted to ask wouldn't be the best choice to go with. Actually, it wouldn't be received well at all by family or friends.

Today I'm getting my hair CUT!!! Yay!! I haven't had a hair cut since August... That's a long time for me, a very long time. And I love Sean cutting my hair now. I've actually have a hair stylist now. I also need to actually wake up early tomorrow and work out in the morning... This whole hitting the snooze button for an hour thing is making me lazy. I've got to stop that...

I'm so glad I listened to punk rock music when I was young, cause I have pretty good taste in music now because of it. Some people really have HORRIBLE music taste. That will be a requirement for my next relationship, no crappy music allowed. Actually, the people I've dated have had some pretty good taste in music. When I really think about it, most only had a couple of questionable musical loves. I can always get over a crappy band if you are really excited about it.

Oh goodness

2011-11-28T22:53:00.001-08:00

We were able to win two out of the three games this evening for bowling. Not too bad in my opinion, considering we have sucked it up a lot the last couple of weeks.

I found out this afternoon that my leg pain is just a REALLY sore muscle and that I can't run nor BIKE for another two weeks. DAMM IT!!!!!! But I was looking at places to swim and it should be pretty easy to switch up the workouts a bit. Plus, swimming is pretty fun! I'm really glad that I didn't rip a tendon or have a hairline fracture, like I thought I did. But I don't have either so I'm good...

Tomorrow morning will be weight lifting with low weight and high reps, and some ab work. It will be a short workout, but something I need to do to get back on the wagon! I'm so happy I did not rip my leg apart... Actually, you have no idea how happy I am about that one.... Cause this shit hurts like a bitch... And I mean really fucking hurts.

home and listening to TBTL

2011-11-27T18:29:00.001-08:00

I'm at home and about to start practicing my drums. I've got in this habit of not practicing as much as I was, but it's picking back up again since the leg is feeling 20 times better. I'm super tired and ready to actually go to bed but I need to practice before I completely check out of life and start playing video games.

And this game on the iPhone... Shit, it has just sucked me in. It's called "We Rule" and I love it. Jean from work is also playing it and I've got another co-worker playing with me too. It's so funny how I just have been checking out of life. Or really not caring about the other shit I was intense on about a couple of months ago. Like, I didn't check facebook all day except for when I woke up and then later this afternoon. Normally, I would check it all throughout the day, that along with twitter. I did check twitter a lot today, but mostly cause I was updating it. I'm happy about that development since I hate being online so much. I hate being so fucking connected to other people via the internet. I would so much rather hang out with you than learn about your life on Facebook or twitter. You might be saying to yourself, but you have a blog and update it so often that it's kind of crazy. Well, I do update it a lot, but it's more of an outlet. I don't expect anyone to actually read the fucking thing. I'm pretty shocked that I've gotten over two hundred hits just this week... The blog is just a way for me to not post stupid fucking updates to facebook or completely fucking stalk people. And also gives people a way to stalk me with out them posting/liking/commenting on my facebook page. God, it's annoying to see how some people interact on facebook, but I'll let it go and stop judging everyone.

Well, I'm a jerk... Oh well, it's better that you all know that. I'm so going to hell when I die. HA!

BTDub's

2011-11-27T11:38:00.001-08:00

Oh my god... I had a blast last night! I totally just made some awesome friends with some really cool people, that are really funny. I had a lot of fun with everyone last night and I was pretty happy that I'm making friends that aren't fucking crazy. It's not that I didn't have non-crazy people in my life before, it's just that I didn't have many. Now, I'm getting more normal people in my life that have the some horrible sense of humor... I'm so going to hell when I die...

Also, I'm just happy. I do need food in my apartment or something cause this is getting old and not having any food what so ever.

Oh maddog... why did we drink you?

mornings, they kind of suck.

2011-11-26T09:44:00.001-08:00

I had a dream that I got into a fight last night with Phil. It was very strange since I don't think Phil would ever get into a fight with anyone. I also did not want to get out of bed this morning. It was so warm and cozy in bed, I just didn't want to leave it.

I'm gonna go to a birthday party for Dave tonight and I'm pretty excited about that. I like hanging out with those guys, they are a lot of fun. I do need to find out where they live though, cause I have no clue. I guess I could always call Amy and have her go with me.

I have been staying away from Facebook a lot recently... At least a lot less than I use to. I'm not really stalking people either on it. I stopped looking at the pages that make me a little sad and I hid a lot of people so I don't see there updates. I finally made the big step and hid someone that I should have a long time ago, but just couldn't do it for whatever reason. And since I've done that I haven't had the same issues that I've had with getting a little upset about shit.

Plus, video games have been awesome for distracting me from the internet. I can turn on a podcast, play some violent video games and forget that anyone else exists for a little while. And this game I'm playing on my phone is making me forget about the other apps I have on it, like Facebook or Twitter, but Instagram I'm still on all the time. That app is a great way to look at some awesome pictures. I love that app... I would consider marrying that app.

And my co-worker just said: "I just ruined someone's Christmas and Birthday! Yay!" I work with strange people...

Totally don't care

2011-11-25T22:38:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how much I stopped caring about shit around me. I've been so focused on me that I kind of have to force myself to think about others. Just being focused on myself is pretty awesome. I don't have worry about anyone else but me. Thank goodness... I was getting tired of thinking too much about everyone else. I cleaned up the apartment a bit this evening and it's time to just relax a bit before bed. I've got to flippin' work again tomorrow.

I totally just want to hang out in bed and play video games all the time now. I'm totally boring and really tired at this time in my life. I'm kind of glad about that... Just being by myself and I'll come out every once in a while but it's got to be for a good reason.

I had another weird dream last night... I can't really talk about it on the blog, cause it's way to personal, but it did involve a picture of mine getting onto the popular page on instagram. The picture had nothing to do with what my dream was about. Weird... very weird...

I'm tired already... goodnight.

Black Friday...

2011-11-25T11:18:00.001-08:00

I have to work on Black Friday. It is one of the busy days of the year and I'm just sitting here on the phones and taking calls. I think this evening I will stop by Fred Meyer's for some sock deals... I love me some new socks!!! Yay!

I'm pretty happy about yesterday and how much fun I had. Hanging out with my family means a lot too me and one of the most important things in my life.

Today, I'm wearing the sweater that I got married in. I haven't worn it in a long time and I forgot that it's a pretty warm sweater, which was nice this morning since it was flippin' cold. I actually still have some Simon hair stuck on this sweater still... It's hard to get rid of dog hair, it tends to dig into any fabric. Shit, I still have Simon hair on my chair at work, and he never came to work with me. It's weird the thing you think about sometimes...

And I smell good today... I like not smoking for that very reason, I smell good all the time now.

The joy's of Turkey!!!

2011-11-24T21:51:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that I ever felt guilty about thanksgiving and wanting to spend time with my family and eating turkey.

I ate so much food today... I went to the turkey run with Josh and Amy... They ran it pretty quickly. I then went with them to Amy's parents house for a bit and played a dice game and ate FOOD and drank some booze. I left around 4ish and drove to my dad's and we deep fried some turkey! Oh, so good... I'm so glad I don't have to make a ham every other year for just the ex-wife and myself. That fucking pissed me off... I love turkey day, and it's mostly because I get to see family. I had a wonderful evening with Kaily and we played and had a blast, even though she had a rash all over her body. Poor little girl, but she was a trooper. There is something about having either Kaily or Liam hug you and cuddle with you. It kind of makes everything perfect. To have a little hand grab onto your shirt while you hold them and how they put their head on your shoulder, it just makes my heart melt. To listen to Kaily laugh and play and pretend cough... To watch Liam drum on his little plastic drum set and say my name when I walk through the door. And the way that Kaily says: "Please!" So cute!

Btw's, I still haven't smoked. But man, my arms are super sore from the crutches. Talk about working the upper body. At least I can still work on my ab's and lift. I'm crazy...

weird...

2011-11-24T07:18:00.001-08:00

Stupid dream... I just remembered it. It made me sad in the middle of the night, but for whatever reason I was able to get back to sleep quickly. That never happens...

Being alone is so strange sometimes... But today I don't have to feel guilty about actually hanging out with my family. This will be the first Thanksgiving were I don't have to hear someone else bitch about having to hang out with my family. I think that is the thing I'm most happy about, I can fucking do what I want and I can actually hang out with my family again. I can't believe I let that happened...

crutches... Sad face...

2011-11-23T22:38:00.001-08:00

I went to Mom's this evening and got my old crutches, which I haven't used in years. I think the last time that I used them was in 2005 or 2006 when I had a small rip in my tendon on my right leg. My leg does feel better, but every time I get up from sitting, laying in bed or anything in general... it flippin' hurts. I know if I stay off it and use the crutches as much as possible, I will heal quicker.

This all means, no turkey trot... Sad Face :( I have a doctor's appointment on Monday so I should be able to get back into PT. Damn it... this makes me sad... But at least I can still work my ab's and I can bike a little.

And I had my favorite line that I said to someone today on the phone was this: "I think your hiding spot has been compromised..." It was pretty funny. HA!

"If that's what's not fair, than what could be wrong with my life?"

shocky cheese

2011-11-23T00:33:00.001-08:00

That is totally what this is... You are shocky cheese, but I just can't quit you! HA!

1.	shocky cheese	49 up, 10 down
	A habit or action in which you continue to engage, despite the fact that it has burned you in the past. The term is derived from experiments where a rodent is put into a maze containing a delicious piece of cheese (perhaps Roquefort) that is hooked up to a wire that shocks the rodent. The rodent keeps forgetting that's the shocky cheese. Coined by 710 KIRO AM radio host Luke Burbank on the show "Too Beautiful To Live.

freezer burn

2011-11-22T23:02:00.001-08:00

Before I went and got food with Lani, I iced my leg again and I got freezer burn on my leg. This might be a problem for the next couple of weeks to come. But it feels a bit better today, but shit it hurt all day today.

And I have some good news... Well, it's just news I wanted to hear. It gives me a reason to relax a bit. And I'm already on level 16 of this fucking game Josh had me download. Jesus... Stupid interweb games... But it's fun. Now, I will play some GTA, while listening to TBTL and will then fall asleep a happy lady. I maybe 30 now, but fuck it. At least I feel comfortable by myself...

I like singing out loud

2011-11-22T14:51:00.001-08:00

I've gotten into this habit of singing out loud whenever I want. I'm doing it at work, on the bus, while I walk, in the car, where ever...

I kind of want to cry right now. People confuse me and I have no idea how to play the game anymore. I'm so disinterested in it all right now.

distracted...

2011-11-22T10:13:00.001-08:00

My productivity at work is going to go down on certain days. I've got something going on that is weird and interesting all at the same time at work. I'm super busy but not busy at all? I'm having issues keeping track of all the things I have to do now and it's all new.

Ahhh... At least I'm entertained at work...

I think I post too much....

2011-11-21T22:24:00.001-08:00

Oh my god... My brother's would not stop about how crappy my bowling was this evening. I tried to explain that I was in a lot of pain and I'm even lucky to be bowling my normal scores. So fuck you! The other team that we were playing was just giving me shit cause my two older brothers were. It's fun to be in a league with them, but shit... shut up and just let me bowl sometimes. I just wanted to knock some fucking pins down and call it a night. And BTW's, Josh is the much better teacher... We work well together and I think it's all cause we played music together for so long.

I have been icing my leg so much I got freezer burn on my leg. I didn't mean too, but numbing the shit out of it was nice. I'm gonna have to ice it all day tomorrow and on Wednesday... But I got a little worried about the freezer burn marks cause it looks really similar to how it does when you snap a tendon. But then it went away without a bruise so I knew I was OK. And it actually felt better this evening, but now it's a bit painful. I'm gonna ice it, play some Grand Theft Auto and then it's bed time...

And here is an oldie but a goodie... really it's not that old...

I love cheap trick... Fucking awesome band. And it's another song that fits my life in a random way? Sometimes shit only makes sense to me...

sTens!

2011-11-21T14:25:00.001-08:00

If I couldn't get any more into TBTL I did today... I joined stick cam and joined the chat with all the other sTens. I will now have to at least do that every Monday if not other days of the week now. It was fun to be a apart of the conversation while the show was happening. Gosh, I'm a dork... But at least I'm not alone in my love for TBTL. So hater's, keep drinking your hater-ade.

My leg feels somewhat better, but I really haven't done anything but lay in bed for the day. I just tried my bowling stance and I was able to get through it without to much issue, but I still cancelled my drum lesson so that I could have more time to just sit in bed before bowling. It's a lot easier to make up a drum lesson than a bowling night.

The leg feels like is a huge cramp/torn/sore muscle and some rest is in order. I will not be working out for the next couple of days. Arrrgghh... I will have to really take it easy. And I'm kind of lonely... I want to watch television with someone right now.

it hurts....

2011-11-21T09:53:00.001-08:00

oh crap it hurts... I'm hoping it's just cause I haven't dosed myself with ibuprofen yet, but shit is painful right now. I got the ice, coffee and turned on the ross and burbank show. I will be canceling my drum lesson, and I might not be able to bowl tonight. I think I might just need to lay down for the whole day.

But what I don't understand why isn't my right leg hurting at all? It's all my left leg... It's strange that it's my left leg and my right feels perfect. Well, I will be taking it easy for the next couple of days.

I wish I had food in the house, cause I'm hungry...

I had my most favorite kind of cupcake this evening

2011-11-20T20:46:00.001-08:00

Red Velvet is by far my favorite cupcake... And I had the fine luck of getting one for free this evening. I feel happy of myself.

Josh is having me download this game for the iPhone called "We Rule" and I'm only doing it cause, let's face it, he's been one of the best people in my life right now. I will play a game just to have fun anyways... I'm always looking for the next distraction. And now I'm already addicted to it... Damn it...

My evening will contain drinking wine, playing video games, icing my leg, and laying in my bed. Well, I think that I might go get some food at the store first. I'm hungry... This is my other theme song:

it's not the first time...

2011-11-20T19:06:00.001-08:00

I got out of the car this morning at my brothers house and a song was playing. I kind of didn't want to get out of the car, cause I wanted to finish listening to it, but we had to run and still make kick off for the Seahawks game... So turned off the engine and headed up the stairs. We went on a run that killed me... Literally, I had to stop and Josh had to come and pick me up 3/4 into the run. And then we went to Lenny's Place to watch the game with the bowling buddies!

I get back to Josh's after a fantastic win!!! Grab my shit and hop in the car... And what is playing the same song in almost exactly the same place... It was not the first time something like this has happened but it was the first time that it was almost within 30 seconds before I shut the car off. Here is the song:

It fits my life... In a couple of ways...

Played a lot of video games....

2011-11-20T01:15:00.001-08:00

I played a shit ton of Animal crossing this evening and ended up calling Josh and being like, I need to get out of the house again. We played lego Harry Potter at Josh's house and then I ended up meeting with Bonnie to get some food.

I would like to cuddle with someone... But I'll just play some Grand theft auto and steal cars. BTW's I still haven't smoked. And I would like to know who fucking looked at my blog a shit ton the other night.... It is totally creepy.

I'm now starting Grand theft Auto 4 over again and I'm going to spend my winter inside. I would like to cuddle, really I just want to cuddle.

Not hungover???

2011-11-19T10:08:00.001-08:00

I don't know how that happened. It's most likely all the water I drank last night while drinking. I feel happy of myself. I didn't fall asleep until about 4am cause I was watching crap on Hulu, but whatever.

Last night was super fun and I'm glad that Josh was able to show me how I'd been bowling wrong forever.

You see, I was suppose to be left handed as a child. My mother forced me to use my right hand, at least as much as she could. I was able to resist with one thing tough and that was eating. She couldn't watch me every second, cause I was at daycare and I could eat with the hand I favored. Well, when I was about 4 I broke my wrist. I broke it really bad actually, it was pretty gross. Anyways, for the longest time I thought I broke my right wrist, cause I had the hardest time eating... Nope, I get my medical records and I fucking broke my left wrist. I ask my Mother about this and she tells me that I was most likely gonna be left handed, but she fixed that. She straight up told me that she would constantly take forks, pens, sticks, toys, etc... and place them in my right hand. She told me that when I broke my wrist it was prime time for her to make sure I was right handed. AWESOME!

Well, back to bowling... I had been leading off with my right foot, which is something you do if you are LEFT handed! (I also snowboard goofy foot as well because of the whole left handed thing.) So I started out with my left foot and added about a step and a half to my approach. AND HOLY SHIT!!! I had so much more control and I bowled so much better than I have. It was pretty cool... btw's, I bowl a lot.

And I can't believe my mother forced me to be right handed. Gotta' love my mom, she's a real gem!

Good night... Really good night!

2011-11-19T03:20:00.001-08:00

So my night went as follows:

Got home early?
Went bowling with Josh and Amy.
Josh helped a lot with my hook.
Bowled super well, for completely changing my stance.
Met up with Gil and Don. Gil is an co-worker/media trained person at work with me and Don is the driver of the van tour I was on.
We got drinks at the unicorn and the canterbury.
Showed the roof of my building to Don and Gil.
Chinese food was put into my mouth.
I got an awesome fortune.
Now, I'm home and I will have to be at work in a matter of hours!

It was an awesome evening... And a lot of fun. Yay! I hope I wake up to snow...

Goodnight everyone... Just know I think about you all the time, no matter who you are.

I can't get anything done!!!!!!!!

2011-11-18T16:08:00.001-08:00

My day is now filled with interruptions, email replies, and so many questions.

I have no idea how my boss did all this stuff before... It's kind of overwhelming, but bring it on!

Btw's... this is totally my theme song now:

interesting...

2011-11-18T09:19:00.001-08:00

Someone last night looked at my blog 39 times in the matter of an hour... I'm pretty sure it's just one person, cause that would just be impossible for different people to look at it all at the same time. It's too bad I can't figure out how to find/block IP addresses for the blog, but it's not that big of a deal. I don't really put anything to personal on this beast. But it would be nice to reverse it and check to see who is looking. I know a few people just look at it all the time, but last night someone literally went through tons of my posts.

This afternoon will literally be me being the most senior person in my department. It will most likely be that way all day tomorrow as well. This is the 3rd Friday in a row, where it's my job to make sure some intense shit gets handled. At least the inbox is only a little over 100 emails this morning, better than yesterday. Oh man, that was rough. Hopefully, Josh and Amy will want to go bowling this evening. I could use the practice and I need to get out a bit.

And for the morning's listening delight:

Running around catching bugs....

2011-11-17T23:30:00.001-08:00

I'm totally getting obsessed by Animal Crossing now. I'm already on a mission to make sure that I catch all the bugs and I'm running around my town now and it's just been numbingly enjoyable.

I haven't smoked... Yay! I'm super ready to go to bed. I should most likely just go to bed. I should also practice my drums. I'll most likely practice some drumming at midnight, then it's bed time. I've got to work out tomorrow morning.

God, I hope I get more done tomorrow at work than I did today. It's been pretty hard to keep up with all this new shit. Maybe I should just go to sleep now...

btw's don't be stupid...

2011-11-17T19:21:00.001-08:00

People should really think before they try to make you look bad. Today was stressful, but it was a good day. I had a good morning and I learned a lot of new shit at work today.

Man this is a lot to deal with, but one day at a time... I'm now going to get drinks with my husband. I fucking need one and some food too!

I'm wearing the pants!

2011-11-17T08:37:00.001-08:00

The pants I have on remind of a lot of things. I don't remember exactly when I got them, but it was shortly after I moved in with my old roommate Ian. They haven't really fit me in years, cause I had gained so much weight, but today I put them on and I needed a belt. I never needed a belt with them before. I actually used to wear, underneath these pants sailor long johns (you know, the kind with the butt flap). There is an original band photo with me in these pants and those long johns and a pirate shirt with my pants around my ankles. It was pretty funny, well we all thought it was funny. That was like a month after I turned 21 and that was one of the best years of my life. I had a lot of fun that year... maybe too much fun. I'm glad I kept these pants cause they are some awesome pants. Not as cool as skinny jeans, but nonetheless cool.

I wonder what happened to my sailor long johns? I don't remember ever getting rid of them... Well, I can only guess where they are now. Oh well, whatever...

I woke up late and just rode down to the bus stop and took the bus the rest of the way to work, but I'm glad I did that cause it's super flippin' windy. At one point in my ride I was literally pushed backwards, shit at another point I was almost pushed over by the wind. I hope the wind die's down this evening for the bike ride with Alex cause I really want that to be a good one!

Late for bed...

2011-11-17T00:22:00.001-08:00

I need to go to bed now...

It's late, and I have to ride to work tomorrow. I hope it isn't freezing or pouring rain...

I've got a new happy development in my life and I like it. It's easy and something I get to keep to myself, thank goodness. I kind of just want to say it, but it's not that big of a deal. It's just something nice to have.

Today was awesome, I love Miki and Ben. Liam was a little sick this evening, but I didn't mind cleaning up a little puke. I love having family that isn't really family, but is? Does that make sense? Cause it should...

SLEEP! NOW!!